The guys you’re (unfortunately) gonna see on Tinder…

Tinder is great for some people; they swipe right and as if by the grace of god, they’ve met their soulmate and that’s it – done, finished, no more swiping and no more horrendous first dates. I know this to be true because it’s happened to a number of my friends. Me, on the other hand, let’s just say my dating track record is horrendous and Tinder does not help. And is it any surprise considering some of the “talent” that’s on there…

  1. The guy who thinks Tinder is his Instagram page. This man is full of mystery, so much so, that you don’t even get a look at his face, only the back of his head as he admires a waterfall or field or some other Insta-worthy natural landscape. So edgy, so well-filtered and so, so vague. LEFT.
  2. The guy who thinks Tinder is his LinkedIn page, cue a serious faced graduation photograph and a lengthy bio detailing his every career choice to date. No, ta. LEFT. 
  3. The guy petting the drugged up tigers during his ‘travelling’ stint in Thailand. LEFT. 
  4. The guy who claims to be twenty-five but looks old enough to be your dad. LEFT.
  5. The guy who claims to be twenty-five but looks approximately twelve and has his school uniform on in his photos. Will occasionally have ‘not 25, im 15’ in bio. LEFT LEFT LEFT. 
  6. The group photo guy. I’ve actually seen profile’s that feature photos of upwards of ten different guys. Which one are you? Girls are always going to presume you’re the worst looking out of the bunch so beware. LEFT. 
  7. The guy who might not be a guy for definite because there’s no actual photo’s of them, just an advertisement for a ‘sub seeking a dom’. LEFTTTTTTTT.
  8. The guy that you know from your local area because he did stuff with someone in your high school form back in 2010. LEFT.
  9. The guy that’s actually a girls profile, how does that happen and is this a sign from the Tinder gods? LEFT.
  10. The guy that’s your mates boyfriend. Savage but occasionally true. LEFT (and also getting grassed up asap – that’s what screenshots are for).
  11. The guy that’s your mate’s ex-boyfriend. LEFT (and your arse is getting reported, no more swiping for you, ya little weasel). 
  12. The guy with his penis nearly out whose bio asks for ‘boring vanilla women’ to not swipe him. No problem at all pal. LEFT.
  13. The guy that tries to be funny with their bio, but they’re not. Super-like all you want David-Allan, but saying you work in the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant doesn’t do it for me. LEFT.
  14. Finally, perhaps the worst of the bunch; the guy who is really good looking and also really aware of it. For me personally, nothing makes me head for the red ‘x’ quicker than a guy who’s preened, filtered and posed more than myself. Add that to a bio that states ‘Before you ask, yes I’m real‘ and you’ve got yourself well and truly LEFTed.

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