An Official (ish) Ranking of the Love Island 2017 Contestants

Summer is officially OVER people and not just because our three days of British summer sunshine have been and gone. Love Island comes to an end tonight which means no more watching girls and guys with unrealistic body goals and less than desirable IQ’s shag, argue and “fall in love” every night on telly. Not gonna lie, I’m devastated. Love Island has been the highlight of my summer already and we haven’t even hit August, I’ll miss spending my days counting down the minutes till 9pm to feign shock at the inevitable twists and turns that the dating show provides. The time has come for the contestants to leave the villa, break up (Gabby and Marcel, I’m looking at you…) and start selling shit clothes and teeth whitener on Instagram. So in homage to the time I have dedicated to the show here, I’ve compiled a ranking of the worst to best contestants on this years show (NOT to be argued with, this is very official and completely unbiased):

26-31) Steve, Marino, Rob, Amelia, Ellisha-Jade, Shannen

I know what you’re thinking – there was a Marino in Love Island this year? But, yeah there was, for all of five seconds thanks to the Casa Amor mix-up. However, whilst they’re likely to feature ‘Love Island 2017’ in their Instagram bio’s it’s evident none of these ‘contestants’ made much of an impact.

25) Danielle

Blonde, coupled with Jonny (no standards) and relatively boring. At least she lasted five minutes longer than numbers 26-31.

24) Nathan

Again, didn’t last long at all but got a couple more minutes air time than Danielle thanks to his shite grafting.

23) Chyna

Chyna’s and reality TV aren’t a great match are they? Another ‘blink and you miss her’ replaceable blonde, but ranks higher than the others thanks to her random and very tactical dates with Jonny once she left the villa. The two have just got back from a trip to Budapest, not on a private jet but via Ryan Air – evidence that Jonny is no secret millionaire, Camilla got a definite lucky break and Chyna will do anything to keep her fifteen minutes in the spotlight going.

22) Harley

Who? First to be voted out and with good reason, he was a walking yawn.

21) Gabby

Who’d have thought that like, a finalist would like, be in the like. bottom end like, of this ranking like? So aside from the fact that Gabby cannot speak without filling every breathing space with ‘like’ she’s also BORING AND FAKE. Coming in with Tyne-Lexy, Gabby played it safe and couples up with nice but unfancyable Marcel and then massively regretted doing so and here is my evidence. 1) In their hot tub date she said Marcel was too nice, 2) She’s slept with the most people outside of the villa, I’m not saying that having sex on camera equates to shagging loads of people, but they’ve been coupled up for ages and still she shows no affection, 3) When Camilla said that she had given Jamie a blowjob in true Coy Camilla fashion, Gabby encouraged it and said she should be behaving that way because she liked Jamie, 4) She cried no new boys wanted to date her when she had a boyfriend, 5) THE LIE DETECTOR. Honestly I could write a blog post about her fake-ness alone, like.

20) Craig

Clearly went in their with a game plan to couple up with popular Camilla but lacked the brainpower to carry it through like Gabby has. Also, super creepy and clingy which is 100% no ones type on paper. Back to the kids, Craig.

19) Tyla

The meme’s about Tyla being the year 2007 are so true; she’s everything that year was, cheesy, uncool and irritating. Her swinging jaw when she spoke still gives me stress and whilst she may be absolute tan goals and left with the fittest guy in there, she has no redeemable qualities.

18) Jonny

Only slightly beats Tyla because of the version of himself he was when he was with Camilla aka CUTE AF. However, him and his twitchy eyes and lispy mouth became unbearable when he did the unforgivable – betrayed Camilla and then power-necked Tyla straight after (which was utterly harrowing to watch).

17) Chloe

Chloe and her undeniably plastic face should rank much lower on my scale as for me, she was nothing more than a filler-lipped shit stirrer. However, she made alright TV to watch and good on her and TOWIE’s John for masterminding their whole ‘break-up’ plot to get more column inches for the two of them, they didn’t look like they had the brain power to do that.

16) Simon

Fit as fuck, but didn’t bring much to the table.

15) Alex

Fit as fuck, but didn’t bring much to the table.

14) Tyne-Lexy

Good on anyone with that name for going on national TV. Whilst she had the world’s worst chat, I feel she didn’t have enough air-time/suitable fella’s to partner up with as she’s probably one of the best looking girls to go on there.

13) Dom

The self-proclaimed ‘King of Manchester’ – debatable hun, ranks this highly solely for his aqua aerobics performance with Kem (google it if you haven’t seen it) and his ability to squeeze out crocodile tears when Jess got the boot despite knowing full well he wouldn’t be leaving the villa behind her.

12) Jess

One of them girls that would eat herself if she were made of chocolate however, she was gorgeous and has picked up a little lap dog in the form of Dom to carry round to all her Misguided shoots. Bless.

11) Georgia

Coming in late proved to not be easy for everyone and despite arriving and immediately coupling up with Kem – a move that had the producers pressure all over it, she seemed to fit in relatively easily. Plus, that cycling shorts/ lycra crop top combo needs applauding if you can pull it off.

10) Jamie

The Disney prince to Camilla’s princess. Proved to the nation that kissing frogs (Jonny, Craig) is worth it because in the end a Calvin Klein model will couple up with you (at least until the end of a TV programme, but my fingers are crossed).

9) Mike

Muggy Mike/ Magic Mike, he’s magic for me and his looks are pretty much the only reason he made the top ten. So, what?

8) Marcel

Prior to Gabby, he would have ranked number 1 due to the fatherly way in which he comforted his fellow islanders and reminded them of his Blazin Squad past, a band that is so beyond irrelevant in 2017 it isn’t even funny. However, with Gabby and her conniving ways, he’s gone down in my estimations; takes one game player to couple up with another…

7) Amber

Irritating, very irritating but I applaud a girl that has that much spunk (no pun intended) to be so up front with her sexuality. The lad’s talk about sex so breezily, it’s refreshing to see a girl do the same (even if it is all vile).

6) Sam

Cute, little chappy Sam with zero game and fewer brain cells, he’s an absolute dream. Good on him for also speaking the truth a lot throughout the programme no matter who he offended. Cherub.

5) Camilla

Camilla proved that not all reality stars are the same as she went in educated and refined. Also proved that even posh girls like sex. Whilst her voice has began to grate in recent weeks, her eyelashes and integrity have remained, she’s come out of her shell at a normal, non-attention seeking pace and I love her for it.

4) Theo/ Liv

These two both have their drawbacks and their positives. Theo spoke the truth the whole time he was in the villa and was unapologetic about who he was, what he wanted and didn’t care about who he offended (something he might have wanted to bare in mind when he ditched his girlfriend to enter the villa…). Liv is the same; upfront about who she is and doesn’t care about offending anyone in the process. Whilst this might not have been such a redeemable quality given her feisty temperament, I do genuinely feel a little sorry for Liv that she self-sabotages so badly.

3) Kem

This guy deserves a medal for carrying Amber to the final and half of that 50k solely for all the hair cuts he’s been handing out all summer. Whilst he may be short in stature, his rapping skills and bromance with Chris make him a close contender for the top spot. Close but just not close enough…

2) Montana

I don’t care what anybody says about Montana in the final week, she was a gem throughout the programme. Like number one spot holder Chris, she had her moments where she seemed like a bit of a tosser but Montana was funny and genuine throughout and possessed a little more understanding than upfront and honest Liv. Whilst people accused her of game-playing, there’s no way that was possible given her rejection of Alex’s love confession. Her response to Camilla lying about having sex in the hideaway is a meme that will live forever.

1) Chris

Chris ‘everyone in this villa fancies me’ Hughes, may have to change his name to Chris ‘everyone in this nation fancies me’ because he is an absolute dreamboat and not only the top contestant but also the nations sweetheart. Stunning, sensitive and a little bit dim, there’s not one person I know who doesn’t love this ice-gem haired polar bear. Absolute BAE.





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