Alternative ideas to getting smashed this Halloween…

You may, in the build up to Christmas (god it’s so soon) – have found yourself quite skint and are currently blagging to your mates you’re doing Sober October this year and won’t be going out. Or, you might be doing it for real (go you!). Or, you may be like me and will have realised that prancing around town absolutely leathered in fancy dress – and by fancy dress I mean nearly having your arse out – doesn’t hold the same appeal now you’re a graduate (and freshers look older in fancy dress and noone needs to be caught mistakenly necking a fresher – “What halls you staying in?” – no no no).

So, if you’ve found yourself in any of these predicaments and are looking for something alternative to do this Halloween, here are some suggestions from yours truly…

  1. Visit a Pumpkin Patch – how Americanised can us Brits make Halloween? Do we even have real pumpkin patches here? Anyhow, farmers fields everywhere have suddenly started spouting* pumpkins so go down and get yourself an Insta worthy snap of you cradling a Pumpkin like it’s your first child. *strategically placing pumpkins from the nearest Asda in aforementioned fields before selling them on for triple the price.
  2. Mind a young family member – Halloween is basically all about the kids begging for a few sweets anyway.
  3. If you didn’t manage to get tickets for Farmageddon, North Wales is offering something similar and potentially scarier (and let’s face it, there’s nowhere scarier than North Wales). Scream Acre’s in Deeside is open to people aged over fourteen and if you’re looking to get seriously spooked this Halloween, this zombie outbreak experience may be the one for you.
  4. Have a horror film night in with tonnes of sweets. If you can stay on you’re diet through Halloween good on you, because I can’t. It’s the perfect excuse to get all snug and eat your body weight in sweets cos they’re cheap in the shops ATM. And if you hate horror films, lash Love Actually on – it’s basically Christmas anyway.
  5. Go town sober. Hahahahaha that’s a joke. I couldn’t think of anything fucking worse than going town during Halloween weekend without at least 50cl of vodka in my system.
  6. Or, if you hate Halloween altogether watch The God That is Antony Joshua win his next fight (yes, I said win because that’s what he is – a beautiful winner).

And listen, if you’re bummed you’re not out this Halloween just think of how great you’ll feel on Sunday morning when you’re fresh as a daisy and everyone else is waking up like the British version of American Horror Story – smudged smokey eye, backcombed hair incapable of being restrained, projectile vomit only minutes away and potentially next to an unidentified body. Be smug hun, you’re the real winner here.

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